I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The air taste purple.
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