This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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