Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
