Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
