The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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