why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
