i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
