i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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