Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
