I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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