It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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