I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
