i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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