this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
