U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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