we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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