She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
