I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize