i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
