I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
