Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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