Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
