Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize