I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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