a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My bed smells like the plague
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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