then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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