Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
