Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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