I hope mine doesn't look like that
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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