Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
