I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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