2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
