I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
