I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
