turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
