I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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