Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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