So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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