You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
