I'm drive I can fine osifer
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
