I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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