im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
