I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
