omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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