Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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