I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
