why didn't you poke me back
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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