Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
