what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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