we have officially lost it.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Randomize
