its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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