I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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