my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
