apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
