mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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