I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
