I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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