so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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