i don't like sucking hair
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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